Dear Stupid Dogs,

The Mamas have been reading up on all the holistic and natural ways to take care of you stupid dogs so that you wouldn’t have to endure chemicals and pesticides. Which I thought was great, because I think you guys stink when they put the flea meds on you. I mean, stink more than usual. Then one of you stupid fleabags had to go and get yourself a flea, and Mama L. freaked out. The Mamas came back with FrontLine (because they read somewhere that K9Advantix is a neurotoxin, which can cause tremors, vomiting, diarrhea, and even death in some cases.) Well, because one of you stupid dogs had the one flea, Mama L. naturally assumed that we all have fleas. She proceeded to FrontLine all of us. I was not happy about that. And then everybody got sick. You stupid dogs got the squirts. Annabelle was throwing up everywhere. She even had a hot spot on her neck from where Mama L. applied the flea medication. I was the only one who didn’t get sick. Then Mama L. panicked and freaked out some more because now you stupid dogs and Annabelle got sick. So she called the vet (Dr. Gary Richter, whom I adore, btw, and that’s saying a lot) and they said to wash us all immediately! Which is no big deal to you stupid dogs because you’re always getting dirty and needing baths all the time. But me? I am always clean! Oh, the humiliation! I have never had a bath before in my life. I do not like water. Cats are not supposed to like water. If it wasn’t for you stupid dogs, none of this would have happened. You’re just racking up popularity points left and right, aren’t you?

Mama L. later called the store where she got the FrontLine and the guy was really rude to her. He said that “of course” we animals would have different reactions, and that was normal and expected. Mama L. was very patient with him, and pointed out that 3 of her 4 pets were sick — and that was not normal or expected. If 1 had gotten sick, she could have understood, but 3? He said it was not his job to lodge a complaint and that Mama L. should call the manufacture (which she did later). But she was mad at him for not even bothering to make a note of it. What if it was a bad lot? What if some other person came in there and bought the same meds and their pets got really sick? Look at Annabelle. She still hasn’t recovered, and it’s been over 2 weeks now.

The happy ending to the story is that Mama M. found something called Natural Defense which is a blend of 5 oils: peppermint, lemongrass, clove, cinnamon, thyme, which made it smell like Christmas around the house.

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