Dear Diary,

Boy, no matter what I did this past week, they were all the wrong things and I kept getting in trouble.  The Mamas were pretty mad at me, especially Mama L. But it wasn’t all my fault. Madeleine was behind it all!

First it started on Saturday with Mama L.’s headphones. They were her favorites, and apparently very expensive — not that I know what that means.  It was Madeleine who yanked them out of Mama’s backpack and chewed them up. When the Mamas came home, Big Sis made a big show of how happy she was to see them that she playfully tossed them up in the air and wagged her butt from side to side. But I bet the Mamas thought it was me, because when Mama M. looked at me and asked “Did you do that?”, I peed right on the spot! I do that when I get nervous. I can’t help it. I have no bladder control when I’m nervous.

At least Mama M. thought it might have been Madeleine, because she has a thing for electronics. She chewed on Mama M.’s cell phone once. She chewed on lots of electrical cords and cables and stuff. The Mamas said they had to buy some bitter apple spray to keep her from electrocuting herself. I think Beatrice went through that too.

I have no bowel control either, when I chewed on too many bones, because that happened Monday morning before Mama L. left for work. Even though I had already gone outside, I guess I wasn’t quite finished. So when Madeleine attacked me in bed, a little bit came out. Well, ok, maybe more than a little bit. But it was all dry and crumbly, so I don’t know why Mama L. got so upset. She started to yell at me but soon she stopped because I started to pee because I got so nervous. But she was still mad, I can tell, because she locked me out of the bedroom after that.

When Mama L. finally got home that night, I tried to tell her how much I love her and that I really am a good dog and I just want to please. So I was jumping up and down to give her kisses when I knocked her in the head really really hard, and now she has a big bruise on her left eyebrow. She said she’s going to have to start wearing football helmets when she’s around me because I’m a bull in a china shop.

I just can’t do nothing right.

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