Celebrity Interview: Cousin Chester!

I’m going to follow Long Life Cats and Dogs‘ advice and interview celebrity dogs for a while until I hone my skills. I think my interview with Beatrice would have gone much better if I knew how to interview her like a real journalist. So today, I bring you Cousin Chester! Chester is Uncle Brian’s dog! Cousin Chester isn’t a celebrity yet, but since he’s my cousin I love him anyway! Even though he’s a boy and smells like one.

Madeleine Bartel: Chester, for the record, can you please tell us how old you are in dog years?
Chester Wozniak: I am 9 and a half in dog years.

MB: How did your human Dad discover you? Did he notice you right away?
CW: He found me at the Berkeley Humane Society. I had just gotten to the shelter and he came in that day and said right away that he wanted to take me home. I kept biting him because I thought he would like it, but I don’t think he did. We left the Humane Society we went over to Aunt Linda and Michelle’s house so I could meet my new cousins Madeleine and Gingersnap!

MB: Are there any daily chores that you have to perform? How do you feel about that?
CW: I used to have to stay in my crate all day while Dad was at work. It wasn’t too bad since I always had a toy and a nice soft bed to sleep on. Now Dad leaves me out in the living room. It is nice to have more space but every time he comes home and sees how I pulled new strings out of the carpet, he doesn’t seem impressed. I like hanging out in the living room better than being in my crate.

MB: Do you get to have any fun?
CW: We go for walks everyday and I LOVE playing with my friends in the complex. I used to play with Emil mostly but now Maki and I play together all the time.

MB: How do you feel about having me as your favorite cousin? It’s pretty awesome, isn’t it?
CW: Yes, you are a great cousin. I love running around and chasing you in your grassy yard. I love playing with Cousin Gingersnap! too. Yes, It is pretty awesome.


Dear Diary,

Mama M. went to Los Angeles to visit Auntie Erin, so she didn’t get to share any of the fun with us this weekend. Yesterday we went to visit Uncle Brian and Cousin Chester. We haven’t seen them in a while. Chester is not yet a year old but he is gigantic. He outweighs both Madeleine and I together. We had a nice time playing ball together, until it was time to snuggle up and watch a movie. Chester tried to hone in on the action by climbing all over Mama L., but Madeleine and I weren’t too keen on that. We stayed there until almost midnight.

Today was an awesome day! It was one of those sunny-misty sort of day where the Sun couldn’t make up His mind. Mama said it was one of the most gorgeous days she has seen. First thing this morning, Mama made all of us scrambled eggs and spinach and chicken sausage for breakfast! After breakfast, Mama L. took us to Citizen Canine Wags and Wuv 2012 Fundraising Event. Uncle Brian and Chester showed up too. The fundraising was for shelter dogs who haven’t been adopted yet. And there was a Basset Hound Rescue Group. I have never met a Basset Hound before. Wow! They are even bigger than Chester. It was a lot of fun — there were so many people and dogs and so many things going on that I was kind of nervous at first. But then Mama L. got us a hot dog to share and everything was just fine after that.

Then we went to the cemetary for a long walk. We love the cemetary! There’s a nice big patch of grass where the Mamas usually let us off leash, and we get to chase each other around like crazy. It was really nice and quiet there today, hardly anybody around. Mama let us take our time, and I even got to talk with several squirrels.

When we came home, Mama started cooking coz she got a brand new freezer. Mama M. has been telling everybody about Mama L’s cooking so now she has to cook for six people everyday. She doesn’t mind at all, but she just doesn’t have any room in the old freezer so she had to get a brand new one. Mama says that it is 3.5 cubic feet and the temperature ranges from 5F to -15F. It’s super quiet and energy efficient. I just hope I find some dog food in there.

The chickens at Park Day School were out today when we went on our evening walk! The white one is my favorite! She always come over to say hello. The other ones run away from me when I try to speak to them. Madeleine doesn’t like them at all because she said that she was supposed to be a hen. I really don’t understand her sometimes.

When we came home, Mama L. gave us a bath with some of the sample lavender shampoo she got from the event earlier today. We smell wonderful and we are very huggable! Then she went over to Auntie Juniper’s and Uncle Steven’s because they came back from Half Moon Bay with some crabs. Fresh off the boat! Mama L. later said they were some of the best tasting and biggest crab she has ever seen! We weren’t invited but that was ok because we are doggone tired! It’s been a wonderful long day.

Dear Grandmaw B.,

This may be my last post as a free dog. Mama L. came home after work today, to the scene of the crime, that I may or may not have committed. There is no way for her to prove this, of course, and therefore tomorrow Gingersnap! and I will both be sent to the crate, or prison, as I call it. I protested and pointed out to Mama L. that in America, we are all innocent until proven guilty, and that we should be given a fair and speedy trial in front of our peers. But Mama L. said that there were less than 12 dogs in our block and that the law only applies to humans anyway. Immediately, I think of a class action lawsuit, but she’s right, we don’t have enough dogs in our neighborhood to write a petition. (Note to self: I must ask my Lawyer Auntie Juniper about dog rights in this country, but I have a feeling she would just side with her.)

Mama L. is running about a couple of weeks behind on everything these days, so this Birthday wish is coming to you rather late. She’s been playing online scrabble with Amy Lee (And losing horribly. Who knew that “haj” was a real word?) But you should know that we wanted to send you something extra special for your birthday, so we asked Mama L. to send you homemade beef jerky because it is (currently) our most favorite thing in the universe! She gave us a tiny little piece to try this morning, and she uttered something about garlic being bad for dogs — isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard of? But, anyway, WOW, it was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted! I think she made up that story about garlic being bad for us because she didn’t want to share. You should look for it in the mail because it’s on its way to you. Even though it’s your birthday present, it’s ok if you want to share with Grandpaw B. Unlike Mama L., we encourage sharing especially when it comes to food.

But not with Chester. Chester is Uncle Brian’s 5-month old puppy who now weighs more than both me and Gingersnap! combined. He has way too much energy and he’s super clumsy and he smells. Like a boy dog. And he’s not house-trained yet so he just pees wherever he wants. He’s a big dimbulb, if you ask me, but since he’s Uncle Brian’s dog, I suppose I should give him a break. Besides, Uncle Brian keeps referring to him as “Cousin Chester”, so I am supposed to love him or something. Anyway, over the weekend, Uncle Brian threw his back out, so the Mamas brought Chester home so that Uncle Brian didn’t have to go up and down the stairs to take Chester out to pee. Neither Little Sis nor I was too pleased about that. Little Sis downright snarled at him when he crawled up on Mama L’s lap. That was too much for Gingersnap! to handle. She can share her food and pizzle and treats — and even Mr. Squeaky Lion — but she was not willing to share Mama’s lap. I had to body-block Chester from Gingersnap! to keep him safe. That was a lot of work to do, as you can well imagine. I was exhausted by the time the Mamas took him back to Uncle Brian’s yesterday.

Speaking of exhaustion, I am utterly convinced that the Mamas intend to walk us to death again. Mama M. got some new hiking shoes (for Mama L. too!) Then one day, a big box arrived at the door and the Mamas were all excited about it. They were going on about treats for us — I thought we were going to get something yummy to eat, but no. It was a jacket. Or specifically, it was a jacket with big pockets on both sides. Mama L. said that it was our backpack — so that we can carry a bottle of water, a tennis ball, and maybe a few cookies on a long hike. I hate hikes! The last time I went on a long hike I was so exhausted that I slept for three days! I can tell Little G. is a little suspicious too. You can just tell she’s wondering if the Mamas were going to toss her in the pond again. (I know, that was a different kind of jacket. But Little G. doesn’t know that.)

But that was before Mama M. came home and saw what “we” did to her favorite shoes. Well, just the one shoe. Mama M. kept asking “Who did this?” for a couple of times until she realized that Little G. was about to pee from being so scared. You can always tell when she’s about to pee because Little G. would pull her lips way back like Vincent Price and look at you sideways. I don’t know who Vincent Price is, but that’s how Mama M. describes the look. You know I could never tell Mama M. who really did it, coz I know Little Sis would never tell on me. So Mama M. stopped yelling, but I know she’s conspiring with Mama L. for the woodwork incident and plans to send us to prison anyway. And then later she said she had bought two pairs of those shoes anyway, on account of us being wild.

Little does Mama M. knows, but we were only doing that to protect her from alligator shoes that Auntie Erin sent!


So, while we will never be as good as our new friend Bassa (you should read how she saves Christmas!), and while it’s extremely unlikely that Santa will bring us a bone for Christmas this year, I just want to go on record that we think you’re still the bestest Grandmaw in the world and that you’ll have the bestest birthday year ever!


(and Gingersnap! too)