Celebrity Interview: Beatrice the Cat!

As you know, recently I’ve been inspired by Ms. Karen and Auntie Lisa to try my paw at journalism. Today is my first official day as a journalist! Beatrice is the first celebrity I can find. Beatrice is a terrific and willing subject with an open-door policy allowing me instant access! I thought the interview went quite well for a first timer, don’t you?

Madeleine Bartel: Beatrice, will you let me interview you? I need to practice so I can become a great journalist!
Beatrice DeBolt: Go away, I am trying to take a nap.

MB: But you’re always napping.
BD: That’s because you’re always pestering me.

MB: Please? Just a few questions? I can narrow it down to two or three good ones.
BD: So that means you had ten bad ones before. Now leave me alone.

MB: Beatrice, why do cats think they know everything?
BD: We know more than you dogs! Get outta here.

MB: Is it true that cats have 9 lives?
BD: You only have one. Now scram!

MB: Do you know how much I love you, Beatrice?
BD:

MB: Beatrice?
BD:

Dear Diary,

Madeleine and I have gone to jail every day for the past couple of weeks now. The Mamas said it was for our own good and that it’s to protect us from ourselves. I didn’t know what that means until Big Sis told me it was because we ate Mama M’s shoes. I still wasn’t sure how the kennel would protect us, but Madeleine said that the Mamas told her that veterinaries often find the strangest stuff inside dog’s stomachs, like shoes, and that can make them sick or die even. I don’t mind jail that much, actually. I get to sleep in all day, and when I’m awake, there’s always a pizzle or a rawhide for me to chew.

We have lost a few neighbors in the past couple of weeks. Zeke is gone now; he was one of our favorite dogs! Mama L. was walking me that very morning when Zeke’s mom told her that it was going to be Zeke’s last day. Mama L. cried all the way home and she’s been sad ever since. And Fast Eddy and Mr. Ahab are gone, too, although I don’t miss them much at all — they were such mean old cats and they were always hissing at me! And now Annabelle is gone too. Big Sis was very fond of Annabelle. She told me a story about how when she was much younger she would share her treats with Annabelle.

Beatrice the Cat has been much nicer to me since then. I am not sure why, but she would purr and rub up against us. She even let me guard her and herd her around the house to make sure she’s safe. And instead of swatting at me like before, she’d just tap my head.

Mama L. has been depressed for the past few weeks, but I don’t think it’s just because of all the animals gone from our block! I think maybe it’s because of the stupid caterpillars eating her Asian vegetables. Mama L. had planted all these different kinds of vegetables like chard and lettuce and beets and the caterpillars didn’t bother any of them. But they devoured her bok choy and tatsoi and something else I can’t pronounce.

Or maybe it’s because she’s not sleeping well. She wakes every two hours at night and flings the bed cover off. And then she would shove me over and muttered something about us being a furnace. But since she was the one who threw the covers off, I have to put out more heat to keep warm. Big Sis said Mama L. is having hot flashes and that should go away after Amy Lee fixes her. She’s been taking herbs, although I’m not sure they’re all that helpful.

Maybe it’s Amy’s fault because Mama L. has lost every single scrabble game she has played with Amy. I don’t know how many games she has lost, but I think she should stop if she’s not winning. Why would you want to play if you can’t win?

Madeleine says it’s a combination of everything going on in the world right now. Grandma D. hasn’t been doing too well because she’s been sick and then one day she fell getting off the bus! She wasn’t too badly hurt, but Mama L. is worried coz Grandma is getting older and there’s that whole thing about old bones. On top of it all, the weather is getting colder and it’s getting dark sooner. There is something called seasonal affective disorder, and it spells SAD! And Mama L. is particular susceptible to it. I think we should all go on a vacation to some place sunny.

Anyway, I try my best to cheer the Mamas. When they come home, I fetch my favorite pizzle and throw it down at their feet to show them how much I love them! And Madeleine would roll over their dead socks to show how much she appreciates them too! I hope this will earn us our good service dogs kerchiefs like the one that Auntie Peggy was talking about.

Dear Grandmaw B.,

We are writing to you to ask for your help. Well, I am, anyway. It seems that the Mamas have fixated on me being “not in shape”, and have taken it upon themselves to exercise me every week now. You know what that means, don’t you? It means endless walks that take hours to complete with very little reward at the end. (Mama L. gave me a tiny TEENY little piece of chicken-wrapped banana as my reward.) Little G! is, of course, oblivious to everything, as long as she thinks it’s food or fun, which almost everything is. Plus, with those long italian grey-hound legs of hers, she doesn’t get as tired out as quickly as I do. And she’s in good shape, from chasing Mr. Squeaky Lion all the time. Although the other day I overheard Mama M. saying how Little G! has “back fat”. It’s probably a good thing that Gingersnap! didn’t hear Mama M. said that, coz then she’d be asking me what that means and it would take me all day to explain. (She’s not the brightest bulb in the Christmas tree.)

Speaking of Christmas, are you coming back out anytime soon to bring us goodies? We could really use some. The latest thing that the Mamas got for us is this big cage thing that they put in the front room. I’m not really sure what it is for. Mama L. has been trying to get me to go in it, but I don’t think I will by myself. I mean, there’s really no point to it. She keeps dropping chicken treats in it. Of course, Little G! went right in and gobbled them all up before I can get to them. But still, Mama L. could easily give me chicken treats anytime she wants to — I wouldn’t complain — so I’m not sure why she’s going through all that trouble. It makes me a little suspicious, if you ask me. Last night Mama M. crawled in it and she was having so much fun giggling with Gingersnap! that I crawled in too! It really wasn’t a big deal. But why go through all that trouble?

Last Friday, our yard man came and demolished the back yard! You should see it, Grandmaw; it’s gigantic! There’s nothing left but dirt and the orange tree. Ginger! and I had a great time chasing each other around, now that we have so much room to play in. That is, until the Mamas saw us and yelled at us for getting dirty! Honestly, what are we supposed to do? I am hoping that the Mamas put in a big dog park for us, but I’m not so sure that will happen. Mama L. kept saying something about vegetables. Well, as long as I get to chase Little G! around and around, I don’t care what she grows back there.

Licks and love,

Madeleine

Dear Auntie Peggy!

Mama L. said that tomorrow is the Solar Eclipse and you were all worried about Sarah because it’s her birthday tomorrow and that the astrological sign Cancer was going to be affected by the Eclipse because it is their House! I wrestled with this knowledge for a very long time because I did not understand one single word! But I don’t think you should worry about anything at all because today is Madeleine’s birthday and Mama L. is going to make us a big steak for dinner!

Here is a picture of us waiting for our dinner. I have to sit down instead of running around all excited because Mama L. put this silly shirt on me. Anytime she makes me wear a shirt, I can’t move. Beatrice told me they did that to her too, but she actually falls over. I tried her trick — to look as sad as possible so that they’ll take it off of me, but it only makes the Mamas laugh. Why do they do that, Auntie Peggy? I think it’s mean. Clothing is very itchy, and I try to rub it off by leaning against the cupboards. I don’t understand why anybody would want to wear anything. But then Mama M. would point out that I like to sleep under the sheets in bed, and that’s just like wearing a shirt except without sticking my head and legs out! I don’t think it’s the same thing at all.

Dear Stupid Dogs, most especially Stupid Madeleine,

Since I am The Cat, it is my job to make sure that everything runs smoothly around the house. That includes making sure that you stupid dogs don’t make the Mamas unhappy. You were doing pretty good until that stupid cat poop incident. I’ve tried to dissuade Annabelle many times from pooping outside the box, but she’s an old sick girl and sometimes she gets confused and loses her mind. A few thwaps on her head here and there and she seems to remember again.

But there’s no excuse for you stupid dogs, especially Madeleine who is supposed to be older and smarter. Aren’t you the one who’s always huffing and puffing about being alpha and all? You should be a good example to Gingersnap! who always looks up to you and always gets in trouble because of you. Eating cat poop is just disgusting, not just to the Mamas but to me as well. It’s just about the most revolting thing ever, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

I have skills, you know. They’re called claws. I know you yelped loudly when I swiped at your nose, but I was being gentle as it was the first time I caught you red-pawed. The next time, it will be a lot worse.

Dear Diary,

Madeleine is such a fuddy duddy! She complains so much because she’s out of shape and couldn’t keep up with us! I had SUCH a good time on our vacation! I have never been on a vacation before. The Mamas have us to thank because we’re dogs and if it wasn’t for us, they would have never found this beautiful place! It made me feel very special for being a dog, and I had such a nice time with the Mamas!

There were so many things to smell! There were tons of dogs before us, and I can tell they all had a good time. We sniffed out all sorts of strange new animals I’ve never smelled before. The Mamas told us later that there were deer (they saw a bunch of them!!) and wild boar and jack rabbits and skunks (I know that one!) and raccoons (I know that one too!) and wild turkeys and hawks and turkey vultures and swallows and all other kinds of birds and lizards and squirrels and mountain lions and bears. Although the last two I think Mama L. made up to keep us in line. I don’t know why they call it Sheep Dung Properties; we never smelled a single sheep there.

There were all sorts of new trees and grasses for us to run around in, too! There are these beautiful trees that Mama L. said were manzanitas. They were everywhere and they have such a beautiful smooth red bark. It’s true that dogs can see in color, sort of, when humans describe it to them. There were also a lot of redwood trees! Most of the wood that were left out for the fireplace were redwood remnants and they smelled so good. I had a nice time napping in front of the fire after a little hike. Mama L. made sure we had bones to chew on to keep our teeth clean!

The Mamas were so good to us. They made sure that we got plenty of exercise to keep us happy. We went for a short walk everyday that we were there. They even let us roam around without our leashes on. We were so well behaved, though, that they didn’t have to worry about us at all. I chased moths and butterflies and birds, and Madeleine stared at the ground (a lot) at some lizards. Or at least that’s what she was telling me. I never saw them though. I think she was just dragging her paws so she didn’t have to walk any further. I have never seen her so lazy before!

Piano Lake was the biggest thing of water I have ever seen but it was so beautiful! I really didn’t want to get into the water at first. Well, actually, I was a little bit scared. But the Mamas made sure that I got in and out of the water ok. They put that lifevest on me at first, and then they took it off after I figured out how to paddle. Mama L. stayed in the water with me the next few times to make sure that I can make it back to land ok. I did! All by myself! And Mama M. was there to hoist me up out of the water. It was a lot of fun, but the water was a little too cold for me to go swimming in. Maybe the next time when we come back. Maybe it will be really hot, and I can just jump in!

There were only two things wrong with this vacation. The Mamas made me wear a big orange lifevest thing when we went swimming, and they already know that whenever they put anything on me, I can’t move. It’s psychological, Mama M. said, but it still makes me stand still no matter where I am. I think they hindered my swimming abilities the first time around. I could have been so much better!

The second bad thing (which I didn’t even know about until after the fact) was that Mama M. saw two ticks on my rear right leg! As usual, they both freaked out until Mama L. plucked them out and Mama M. promptly squashed them on the porch with a rock! And then we both got cedar-oiled and then hot baths later and smelled good again. Neither Mama brought Mr. Squeaky Lion or Laser Light, so we were left to dry on our own.

But still, it was such a great vacation that I hope we do it again real soon! Maybe we can go every weekend. That would be super cool! I hope I can chase some wild turkeys the next time!

But I really missed Beatrice on our trip. I wonder if the Mamas will take her the next time. Then it would be perfect!

Madeleine is hogging the sunspot! I swiped at her a few times but she won’t move. Mama M doesn’t even help…

Yeah, Mama L., Beatrice and I don’t get no respect round here!

Well, I suppose I could tan my toes…

Dear Auntie Peggy,

I am so happy you wrote to us, coz I thought you had already forgotten all about me even though you’re my No. 1 Fan. I haven’t had much success convincing Mama L. to help me write back until tonight because she’s been so busy with everything. But let me tell you what I know, which is not a whole lot coz we’ve been locked up!

The Wag Hotel is a really nice place, Auntie Peggy. We had our own private room, which was a junior deluxe suite. They gave us a raised bed which we didn’t like too much — it’s supposed to be comfortable — but Big Sis and I pretended we were camping and roughed it out. Although we’ve never gone camping before so I’m not sure if it’s really as tough as Madeleine said it was. They played classical music for us all day, which made us really sleepy. Sometimes they would put some dog-appropriate shows on the flat screen TV for us too. I didn’t look up too much coz it was too much effort to keep my head up, so I couldn’t tell you what shows were on. They were probably something from the Animal Planet though.

The people there were really nice. The Mamas got us a package deal where we would get an hour play time with all the other dogs and an hour walk up on the roof top, and that’s both morning and night! I didn’t like the group thing too much, coz I’m a little shy, but boy, I love the roof top walk!! Madeleine and I would run around like crazy, just like when we’re home.

They also gave us goodies — a stuffed kong and a bully stick — that was pretty nice. But it’s not quite the treats the Mamas would give us. I heard something about a peanut butter sundae which would have been super delicious, but we didn’t get any. There was also a pool, but the Mamas didn’t sign us up for that. I think they were a little nervous since we’ve never learned how to swim. From what the other dogs told me, it’s supposed to be a natural thing that’s in our genes. I don’t know what genes are, but then I don’t know how to swim either. They also gave us a bath Saturday night, and I got all my nails trimmed again. I always get really nervous when they touch my nails, because some of them are black and you can’t see the quick. They did an ok job, though, coz my toes are still intact.

The Mamas came and got us early Sunday afternoon. Boy, were we happy to see them!! I guess that means I’m sort of over my abandonment issues, but that doesn’t mean I like being left in strange places — even if they took pretty darn good care of us. I gave the Mamas a good talking to on the way home — all the way home! But they showered us with lots of love and attention and treats. It’s almost worth it.

We didn’t get to see Annabelle or Beatrice until tonight. I thought the Mamas had abandoned them! That would have really upset me coz I LOVE Annabelle and Beatrice. Mostly Beatrice, though, coz she loves me back. She lets me herd her around the house even though I don’t really know what I’m doing.

So, we’re back to normal again, Auntie Peggy.  But I want to show you something — our report cards from the Wag Hotel. I have never had a report card before. I think I did pretty good, don’t you??